Huge Birdless Silence

On a slow boat we drift in horse latitude waters
Becalmed on the swells of the internal sea
And towing behind us a huge birdless silence
The air is a hammer, the waters don't breath

On a day like tomorrow when all things are sacred
I'll lie like a drunk against the sun roasted wall
And the air will not move and all time hangs suspended
Between now and forever until darkness falls

Well, I haven't been running. It's still hard to find the time and motivation. I'm wondering if I shouldn't just give up on it completely. I went to the doctor recently to recheck my blood work, only to find it's even worse than before. This is after eight months of eating right and losing almost 20 pounds, too. I'm also, still, incredibly vitamin D deficient. I walk the dogs every morning after I get home from work, figuring that's a good amount of time to be in the sun and soak up some D naturally, but apparently not. I now have to take a liquid supplement in addition to the tablets, and I have to recheck again in three months. My cholesterol is still high; high enough that my doctor is considering putting me on statins. "I don't want to go the medication route," she told me, so she suggested I take red rice yeast in addition to the Cholestoff I had been taking (very, very sporadically).

My sister, who is a medical transcriptionist, and a friend who works as a pharmacy tech both cautioned me against the red rice yeast. I am taking the Cholestoff regularly, and am also taking garlic supplements, which my friend suggested. I hope this will help.

Exercise is key, and aside from walking and all the running around I do at work, I'm not getting any. Sure, the weight is coming off, but that doesn't mean I'm getting healthier. It just means I can pull all of my jeans off without having to unbutton or unzip them. Two of my co-w0rkers have commented recently on how much weight I've lost; this is really nice to hear, but I need to work on being healthy inside.

I just don't have the energy. I don't know how to find the energy. It's hard trying to get everything done that needs to be done every day, ADD-wise. The amount of energy it takes a "normal" person to get through their entire day is the same amount of energy it takes me to get dressed and put on my shoes before I leave the house. Medication helps (in so many ways, I can't even begin to explain), but my life is still an overwhelming mess. My co-worker is out on maternity leave until the end of the month, and while I enjoy getting the overtime (something the company I work for never allows), the stress of the extra work load is getting to me.

However, a friend just sent me and my sister a book: Organizing Solutions for People with Attention Deficit Disorder, by Susan C. Pinsky. I haven't read through the whole thing yet, but what I have read MAKES SO MUCH SENSE. I have hope that this book will help me get my shit together, at least enough so that I'm at the point where I can focus on myself and running. It's insane how much I loved (and hated) it, and yet I keep denying myself that one pleasure.

Why?

The good news is that I turned a friend on to the Couch-to-5k program. She has attempted it once, so far, on her treadmill. She made it 13 minutes in and then had to quit. Baby steps, people. It's ok if you don't make it all the way through on your first try. She said that she needed to get the pacing down before she tries it again; having to turn the speed up and down really distracted her, plus she's "not a runner," (her words) and it's not as easy to get into as it was for me. Not that it was easy easy, but I ran a lot in high school, so I was no stranger to it.

My sister has a pilates machine and I suggested we move it down to the front room (it's in her room right now). My reasoning is that I don't know all the exercises to do on the machine, so if we put the machine in the front room, I could follow along to some pilates DVDs. Plus, for people with ADD, it's all about having the things you need right out in the open. If it's in a closet, you forget about it or don't have the energy to go and get it. It's all about reducing the steps. So having the machine right there means all I'd have to do is set it down on the floor and pop the DVD into the TV. Viola! Might as well build up my muscles again, in anticipation of running regularly.

I just need to keep thinking about my health. It's something I spend a lot of time ignoring. But I am unhealthy, and that's insane for a vegan. The only explanation I can come up with is that it's genetic. I have to assume because I am adopted and know very little about my birth mother and father's medical histories. I have met my birth mother and grandparents and five aunts and uncle, and I'm pretty sure cancer runs in the family. This alone should scare me into exercising. Shouldn't it? I will have to call V one day and discuss the family's medical history. I need to know after all. I've spent my life writing "N/A" for Family Medical History at the doctors office.

Finding the time.

It’s me again. Yeah, I’m still here. I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m probably not going to be able to fit three runs in every week. Not right now, maybe not ever. I did run two weeks ago. I’d gotten off work early (to offset my working six days a week) and was determined to run. When I got home, I walked the dogs for 20 minutes, went home and jumped into my running gear and off I went.

I’d been looking forward to using the Couch-to-5k application I’d purchased for my iPhone, so I was very excited to head out. It was probably around 6:15 in the morning. The sun hadn’t really come out yet, it was still relatively cool. Nobody else was up and about. Perfect conditions.

The run went really well. I thought that since I haven’t run regularly in over a year, I’d be in pretty bad shape, but that wasn’t the case. My legs started to burn a little halfway through, but I never once felt like I wanted to quit and die right in the middle of the road. So that was good.

I’m not sure if the Ulrey podcasts or the application is off, but I definitely ran farther this time than I usually did with the podcast. And I think the timing is off for one of them. At any rate, I ran, I did well, I went home and stretched.

I was banking on getting off work early last night (er, this morning) but that didn’t happen and so I didn’t run. I could have, since I got home before the sun came up, but I was too damn tired. Maybe tomorrow.

I just have so much to do every day before I go to work, I don’t have time for exercising. I could run when I get up in the afternoon, but lately it has been to damn hot. I could do that in the Fall, though.

I really do need to get more exercise, though, and walking the dogs every morning is a good start. It’s good for all of us, health-wise, but it’s also good for the soul. I feel like I never see my dogs anymore, so I’m happy to be able to spend this quiet time with them. Plus, the golden retriever puppy on the corner runs out to join us, and I can always count on him to play with Curly Joe and wear him out.

I am currently down to a weight I haven’t seen in about eight years. It doesn’t mean as much to me, though, because I know that the weight loss is from not eating (due to my ADD meds). It’s a little bit because of all the running around I do at work, but still. I’d feel like this was more of an accomplishment if I was doing strength training or running on a regular basis.

As it stands, I have lost over 16 pounds since February. I have lost 38 pounds since December of 2005. That doesn’t seem like much to me. It’s better than nothing, so I’ll take it, but I feel like I could do more.

Oh, that reminds me. I think the run was easier on me because I’ve lost almost 20 pounds in six months. It has definitely helped, so I can’t knock it too much.

So that’s what’s been going on. I’ll get there. I still have hope.

Getting closer.

Well, I'm still here. Slowly but surely getting my shit together. I'm happy to announce that I've lost ten pounds in the last month. A lot of that has to do with my starting ADD medication; Dexedrine was once used as a weight loss drug. I just don't feel like eating anymore. I force myself to, but at least I'm not doing the emotional-overeating all the time. I've been at my new job for about five months now, so I'm either working or sleeping. Now that the Self Challenge had started up again, I'm motivated to start working out again. I just need to find the time for it.

Also, I've had some asthma trouble lately, having a lot of trouble breathing. I've got medication now, thanks to insurance, and am getting it under control. I just really miss running. I'll get there soon. None of my pants or bras fit me anymore, which is exciting but also a pain. I'm either adjusting or yanking at an article of clothing all day.

Hope you're all doing well.

Turning point.

I recently went to a doctor in Portland and was diagnosed with ADD. Did you know that it’s more inheritable than height? My sister’s got it, and chances are (from what I know of her) our birth mother has it, too. My one goal tomorrow is to call and make an appointment with a doctor (thank gad for health insurance) so I can get started on medication. I have never been a supporter of meds, aside from all the ibuprofen I eat to get through life with the dry twist. I was on Zoloft about seven years ago but it did nothing for me. That was, according to the doctor, a good indication that I’d been misdiagnosed as having panic disorder/depression. However, there is something wrong with my brain, and if medication can help me, I am all for it.

I had a bit of a cry afterward; nobody likes to hear there’s something wrong with their brain. But I was also relieved. All these years I thought I was stupid and crazy. All these years of beating myself up for not being able to figure out the simple stuff. And hey, I didn’t get fired from my last job for being forgetful - I got fired for having a disability. (ADHD is recognized as a disability under federal legislation -the Rehabilitation Act of 1973; the Americans With Disabilities Act; and the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act). And these last three months at my new job, driving home every night feeling like the dumbest person on the planet, not being able to remember codes and procedures two seconds after they’ve been explained to me. Sometimes I’ll get a sample that I’ve done a hundred times before and I’ll have absolutely no idea what to do with it. Nothing on the req form makes sense. I honestly thought I was stupid. The simplest things are so hard, so what other explanation can there be? I’ll leave a load of laundry in the dryer for a week instead of folding it and putting it away. I’ll walk past a fork on the kitchen floor ten times and it’ll never occur to me to pick it up and put it in the sink. My whole life is overwhelming.

But now I know it’s not my fault. My shit’s all fucked up but it’s nothing I did. It’s going to be hard, trying to figure my life out now, but at least I know what’s wrong and will soon have the tools to cope with it. Once I get it together, I'll be better able to focus on things. Which means I'll actually start running again. At this point, I'm just going to have to start all over, but that's OK. This is kind of like a new beginning, anyway.