I can see the moon and it seems so clear
You can take the road that takes you to the stars now
I can take a road that’ll see me through
I can take a road that’ll see me through
56°F today. Overcast. Kinda breezy. That sunshine was nice while it lasted! I kid. I actually went to bed relatively early last night and got up earlier than I have in quite some time. I felt refreshed when I climbed out of bed, too. Usually I’m groggy and stumbling.
I had planned on running before I took my mom swimming, but yeah. I farted around after breakfast (tofu scramble and a banana) and suddenly, it was time to leave. Oops? The good news is, my ribs feel better. The pain is still there, lurking, but I was able to actually swim today. I’ve been taking ibuprofen every eight hours, and I think that has given my muscles a chance to relax. I’m still going to try for Free Day on Thursday, though.
After swimming, Mom and I ate at a deli in town (because, surprise, she had a coupon). After scoping the menu and finding nothing I could eat (shocker!), my mom asked the waitress if they had any vegan options. Her response? ”Oh, sure! We have a veggie omelet and we have grilled cheese, oh and we have shrimp salad.”
Ohhhh! Shrimp salad! Shrimp is my FAVORITE VEGETABLE.
Deep breath. In with the good, out with the bad.
I ordered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My mom felt really bad about it, but I didn’t mind. There was a garden burger, but those aren’t vegan, either. Blah blah blah, had lunch, ran some errands, came home. Changed into my running gear and headed down to the track. Nobody but me there today. Woohoo!
Nothing spectacular to report. The run was good. I felt pretty good, but by the third run, I was back to feeling like I couldn’t make it through another three intervals. And I was getting kind of frustrated as I ran. I was thinking about how long I’ve been on Week 2 and how it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever get to Week 3. I fully admit Week 3 intimidates me, but at the same time I’m eager to get in there and try it out. I don’t want to push myself, but I also really don’t want to try and fail.
Anyway, after I plodded through the fourth interval, things got better.
Came home and stretched and in a little while I’ll do aerobics and my lower body workout.
I was thinking about last week and how I had such a tough time. I blamed it on PMS, but I think a lot of it was just plain old self-sabotage. I’m one pound away from losing almost 30 lbs. I think a big reason why I’m fat is because I like to be invisible. Nobody pays attention to the fat chick. I was traumatized enough as a child and a teen to come to believe that flying under the radar is necessary for survival. I can keep saying, “I’ll do this and that and accomplish so much once I’m fit and healthy,” but if I keep going on like this, one day I’m going to wake up and realize that I ran my excuses off at the track. And then what? I guess anything is possible after that, right? I’ve never believed that I deserved anything good in my life. Over the years I came to understand that good things only happen to other people, and all I had was this big empty space where hope should be.
But now my clothes don’t fit and I’m not in pain anymore. Something good is happening to me and I’m afraid that it won’t last. So what do I do? I backslide. Get back into old habits and stop working out. Depressed and miserable is the status quo, everything’s fine. If I stay like this, I won't have to actually go out and get a life.
So this weekend I did a lot of thinking about how miserable and lost I’ve felt this past week or so. Granted, I did take some time off because I was in an incredible amount of pain, but there were some days I felt good enough to get a little exercise but didn’t bother. I thought about thirty pounds and what a big deal that was, but I focused on the positive. Not about all the things I feel I’ll have to force myself to do, but about how hard I’ve worked to get this far and how proud I should be. I’m healthier, I feel better, I probably look better. Why would I want to throw all that away?
I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m getting there. I guess we all have our ups and downs. Last week was a big downer, but this week I’m on my way up again. And I really need to call my therapist. Anybody got $50 they can loan me?
I’ll end this on a happy note: Maple Pecan Bread! It’s a test recipe; I had two slices and gave the rest to my family. Proud of me?
I had planned on running before I took my mom swimming, but yeah. I farted around after breakfast (tofu scramble and a banana) and suddenly, it was time to leave. Oops? The good news is, my ribs feel better. The pain is still there, lurking, but I was able to actually swim today. I’ve been taking ibuprofen every eight hours, and I think that has given my muscles a chance to relax. I’m still going to try for Free Day on Thursday, though.
After swimming, Mom and I ate at a deli in town (because, surprise, she had a coupon). After scoping the menu and finding nothing I could eat (shocker!), my mom asked the waitress if they had any vegan options. Her response? ”Oh, sure! We have a veggie omelet and we have grilled cheese, oh and we have shrimp salad.”
Ohhhh! Shrimp salad! Shrimp is my FAVORITE VEGETABLE.
Deep breath. In with the good, out with the bad.
I ordered a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My mom felt really bad about it, but I didn’t mind. There was a garden burger, but those aren’t vegan, either. Blah blah blah, had lunch, ran some errands, came home. Changed into my running gear and headed down to the track. Nobody but me there today. Woohoo!
Nothing spectacular to report. The run was good. I felt pretty good, but by the third run, I was back to feeling like I couldn’t make it through another three intervals. And I was getting kind of frustrated as I ran. I was thinking about how long I’ve been on Week 2 and how it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever get to Week 3. I fully admit Week 3 intimidates me, but at the same time I’m eager to get in there and try it out. I don’t want to push myself, but I also really don’t want to try and fail.
Anyway, after I plodded through the fourth interval, things got better.
Came home and stretched and in a little while I’ll do aerobics and my lower body workout.
I was thinking about last week and how I had such a tough time. I blamed it on PMS, but I think a lot of it was just plain old self-sabotage. I’m one pound away from losing almost 30 lbs. I think a big reason why I’m fat is because I like to be invisible. Nobody pays attention to the fat chick. I was traumatized enough as a child and a teen to come to believe that flying under the radar is necessary for survival. I can keep saying, “I’ll do this and that and accomplish so much once I’m fit and healthy,” but if I keep going on like this, one day I’m going to wake up and realize that I ran my excuses off at the track. And then what? I guess anything is possible after that, right? I’ve never believed that I deserved anything good in my life. Over the years I came to understand that good things only happen to other people, and all I had was this big empty space where hope should be.
But now my clothes don’t fit and I’m not in pain anymore. Something good is happening to me and I’m afraid that it won’t last. So what do I do? I backslide. Get back into old habits and stop working out. Depressed and miserable is the status quo, everything’s fine. If I stay like this, I won't have to actually go out and get a life.
So this weekend I did a lot of thinking about how miserable and lost I’ve felt this past week or so. Granted, I did take some time off because I was in an incredible amount of pain, but there were some days I felt good enough to get a little exercise but didn’t bother. I thought about thirty pounds and what a big deal that was, but I focused on the positive. Not about all the things I feel I’ll have to force myself to do, but about how hard I’ve worked to get this far and how proud I should be. I’m healthier, I feel better, I probably look better. Why would I want to throw all that away?
I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m getting there. I guess we all have our ups and downs. Last week was a big downer, but this week I’m on my way up again. And I really need to call my therapist. Anybody got $50 they can loan me?
I’ll end this on a happy note: Maple Pecan Bread! It’s a test recipe; I had two slices and gave the rest to my family. Proud of me?
Posts
3 comments:
Even if the Garden Burger had been vegan, isn't it cooked on the same grill as the meat?
Exactly. And the fries had probably been fried in beef lard or something, and the shrimp salad probably had REAL SHRIMP IN IT.
Unless it specifically says "vegan options" somewhere on the menu, I really hate going out to eat.
Funnily enough, last night I had a dream that I went out to eat by myself. It was a vegan restaurant, thank gad. I don't remember what I ordered, but the bill came to $11 and the owner wouldn't let me pay because he liked my Benji tee shirt.
All the business of waiting to do things till we've lost weight -- such a huge trap. I did that for years. Decades, really. I'll go out dancing when I lose weight. I'll chuck my computer career and become a massage therapist when I've lost weight. I'll buy clothes I actually look good in when I've lost weight. Basically, I'll begin my life when I've lost weight.
And then losing weight or not losing it becomes of huge importance, because it actually means the difference between starting to have a life or not having one. And failing at it (as I mostly have) becomes hugely, hugely discouraging.
So -- forget it. No more waiting. Turns out people don't really mind having a stout massage therapist. Nobody thinks I look particularly stupid on the dance floor, even if I am red and sweating. (Skinny people get red and sweaty too, actually.) Or maybe they do think so. Who cares?
It's amazing anyone lives through childhood and teenage-hood, though. Ai.
Post a Comment